Conflicted

Day 10 Theme: Prayer

At Breakfast Adam mentioned something along the lines of, "you can't go deep and wide." I think what we were talking about was a range of knowledge. So you can either study and know a lot about a few subjects or you can know a little about a lot of things. In middle school and high school my youth group pastor would say that same thing many times. He would talk about going deep with the Lord and going wide to share the gospel with others. He always said you want both. You want to go deep with the Lord to fill you up and be able to reach a wide range of people. I don't necessarily think there's a strong connection between that same phrase used in two different ways, but hearing it again just reminded me of what I used to hear each week in church.

Today we went to the Met Cloisters and focused on prayer. I was expecting to have a lovely day walking around a beautiful place and hanging out with God. But instead I found myself conflicted. I just get stuck in this head space where I get really confused about whether or not I believe that God is real. It's weird because if God is real then I know He is love, He has made great sacrifice for me, but if he's not real than I'm lost. I don't know the answers to why we're here and where we came from and where we go. I think humans need religion to explain the things we can't know. We need a supreme being to make us feel comforted and less insignificant. That's not why I want to know God. I don't want to believe because it's part of my human nature to believe. I want to believe because it's real. And like everyone I wrestle with thoughts. And this one in particular I wrestle with the most. Is it all real? I think there's always a leap of faith, there's always some step of unknowing that you have to get over, you can't logic your way into proving God is real and what he did for us and does for us is real. And I think I am tested on that leap constantly. It's one of my weakest spots. As I walked around the Cloisters I wrote my thoughts, which I can look back at and not necessarily even feel that same confliction now (a few days later). So here is what I wrote in the Cloisters,

I used to think that I would never be capable of falling in love. And I think that's because I can't except God's love fully. If he really loves me for me, despite everything then how can I accept that? How can I love him despite who I am. How can I love something that I question the existence of. I think faith does require a leap. It's totally illogical. You can't logically conclude that God exists. We just don't want to feel alone, to feel like these tiny little humans floating on a planet for no reason. There has to be something more. We explore molecules and what we're made of, we explore space and where we are. We look out and in and we find nothing of real value. No answers. No meaning. No given purpose for why we're here. And most people just live with that unfazed. But if there is something more, then it is God. If there is something more. Or did we just make it for ourselves. Is someone pulling the strings? How can I love without accepting his love? Is christianity just a completely made up thing? Is the voice that says "I'm here" not just imaginary. Is it really not just me? I want to believe, but I'm afraid that God isn't real because of that want.

Everyone around me in life is so sure. So sure all the time. And I'm just unsure. I don't want to believe because of how strong others' faith is. But I feel pressure to figure it out now. Because what if I don't believe and then I die. It's the scare tactic of hell that keeps me from saying no. That keeps me from exploring other religions. I follow many things. But is God something to follow? Something to invest in? Or is it just comfort? Why does no one ever talk about that? About how Christianity is a comfort thing. How it's a security blanket. Even if that's not why you believe, you have to admit that it makes you secure in life. And if it's true then wouldn't we live just for it. If it's true we would give up everything. Everything temporal for just the love and relationship with God. This is all a distraction in comparison. But we don't do that, which makes me think it's fake. Like Kierkegaard said. We would live whole heartedly in the face of danger for Christianity if we were following correctly.

People embroidered and adorned and relished these figures. This concept of Christ. And the prophets spoke and it was written and passed down. And I just want to talk myself into believing right now so that I can pray. In order to pray I need to know that it's true. But it feels empty in here. The sculptures and paintings and trinkets of the past seem trivial. People cherished this God. People made a spectacle of it.

I think now is when I just believe because I know before I believed and I know I'll believe again. Now is the hard time. When God is silent. When I feel alone. Where I'm tempted to forget it all. It's like the screwtape letters. This is when Satan gets a foothold. But it hurts to believe mindlessly. It hurts to believe with feeling and not thoughts. To let it go and surrender to the notion that I'm wrong and that God does exist. It hurts to let go and just talk to him.

This is how I feel about my faith. In the middle. Conflicted. Because to give it up, to denounce that Christ is real would mean I'm sure it's not true. And I can't do that. But to fully accept it means I'm sure it is true, which is hard for me as well. And I'm in the middle. I can't go either way. Either way would change my life drastically. Is God love or is love God?

I want to wake up. I want to be on fire for a living breathing God.

Maybe I am angry at God. For not being for evident, more transparent. If he's going to be the reason for life then just be the reason. Don't be hard to find. Maybe he's not hard to find maybe I'm just afraid to look right at him. Maybe I'm scared.

I think in order for me to believe in God I have to give up this patriarchal view of him that I've been ingrained with. Who says God is "male" or "female"? God is bigger than gender identity. God is a deity. All seeing all knowing all containing. I'm going to try and stop thinking of this dude in the sky and see all characteristics of God. Sometimes I put negative connotations on female attributes. But God can be maternal, loving, joyous, soft.

I crave unconditional love but I'm looking for it in all the wrong places. People let you down. People might stop loving you. People might not love the things about you that they should, the things worth cherishing. And I want someone to love my quirks and to stay by my side forever, but I know someone who already does that. So maybe I should just let him love me already. Just be cherished by Jesus. Just be his beloved.