2018

I resolve to be a better human. To be more me.

I want to get in better shape, not to look differently, but to be more capable. To be able to dance better, run better, hike more, and climb or try other activities that are difficult for me where I'm currently at.

I did resolve to watch less TV, but so far that's not happening. I think when I am at work longer, around people longer, and not alone on a screen I am much more invigorated and have a overall better day. So I will still resolve to watch less TV. To not start another series when the ones I'm watching end, and to spend more time with new people, old friends, doing everything from absolutely nothing to having an epic night out.

I resolve to actively search for an internship and a job/place to live after graduation. To think critically about my future. To think about how God plays into my life. Is He still the center? Is He the reason for everything that I do? What future does He want for me? Do I have some kind of preconceived notion of what life will make me happy? Is that what I'm chasing? My sociology of gender class has me thinking a lot about gender in my own little world and how I react to the media. I think deep down I still hold that ideal of being swept away and falling in love, of wearing clothes that make others think I'm desirable, and being successful as a side product of my real life with a significant other. That dream needs to go die. I used to think I wouldn't get married until later in life because I had so much ambition. I wanted a career, and to travel. And I'm not saying you can't have both, of course you can have both. But lately I think I've been trying to chase a dream job that doesn't exist for me. My heart's not in it because I secretly want that soppy romcom life that has been shown to me over and over again. I want the levelheaded Emily back. The one that knew who she was and what she wanted out of life instead of just wanting to attach onto someone else's life. I don't want to barnacle. I want to be my own person. And still be compassionate, loving, caring, and use my feelings just as much as thinking. That's what it should mean to have both. To follow your dreams, take steps towards your goals, but not leave the people in your life behind. It's not like my life is going to take me far away from everyone I love to the point where I don't care to see them anymore. That emotional attachment is so necessary. You have to have both. Thinking and feeling. Going and staying.

So where is my life going. It's a mystery. But I'm hopeful. I'm staying optimistic. Not just because it's a new year because I can see and feel everything changing and fading around me. The seasons are turning. 2018 is the year of massive change and I want to embrace it.