Love Story

July 12th.

I'm exhausted. Life is exhausting. Just figuring out what I believe and how I want to live. Just thinking about it, not even doing anything or trying anything. I've never been good at restraint. I've never been good at making decisions by saying no. And I'm trying.

I'm trying to replace the bad in my life with Jesus. I want to read my bible, to pray -- I want revival. We need revival. Our generation is lost and confused. We're searching. We're pained dirty souls, wandering around in search of some kind of release.

August 6th.

The first month here was a fight. A fight to figure out what I really want out of life. Who I really want to be. But the last month here has been a blast. There's something about hanging out with Jesus that just makes me happy all the time. God has taught me how to be joyful with just me and Him. He's writing our love story. It's the most beautiful relationship I've ever been a part of. The song, Jesus What A Savior, has been a huge part of worship life for me on the mountain. "I've never known a love like yours." It's the most beautiful love. My only true love. There's so many bits and pieces of the people around me that I love and all of them are found in my Father. It's the one love I was waiting for.

Being in a new environment at first was a bit of a culture shock. Everyone was so "Jesus-y" and "wholesome" and I felt out of place for a while. But now I love being here. People keep me accountable to live righteously. To live with God on my mind and my heart. It's not about rules. It's not about dressing a certain way, talking a certain way, doing the right things, or listening to the right music. It's about living with the love. It's about being the bride of Christ. And once it's your wedding day, and you're in love with someone holy, good, and right: the rest just effortlessly follows. Nothing else matters but that I am His and He is mine.

I've started to create new habits while I'm here. I read the bible, I pray, I worship. For the first time my relationship with God has been less about feeling and more about thinking. It's not just if I'm in the mood to worship. It's that I decide to spend time with God because He wants to spend time with me. It's a two way street. I hope all my friendships can reflect the same type of connection that I'm building with God. It's not about "checking off the boxes" it's not about "being a good Christian." It's about being in love. And forgetting the rest of it. Temptations and doubts come and go. One thing is constant. He's kept me safe thus far. He walks with me even when I don't see His footsteps in the sand. Even when I don't hear him whispering in my ear.