All Kinds of Healing

I came to camp at Palomar Christian Conference Center to get away. I had a really hard year at school. I felt so uncomfortable on campus just trying to avoid all the people who used to be my friends and I felt like had completely abandoned me and didn't want me there. I was so stressed and exhausted.

After coming back from New York I felt so unhappy at school and in Spokane. I felt stuck. I had to be there. I have another year left still and my home at Whitworth suddenly changed and I was a guest. I was walking on eggshells. So I decided to run. I was going to have a summer away and hope that time would heal me.

Fun fact about life: Time doesn't heal. You can't fix anything by running away. You can't let time cover up what's broken. All that awkwardness and pain is still going to be there just hiding with a mask on. You might feel better. Time creates a mirage of being just fine. But now I realize, once I go back. Once I'm in Spokane and at school again, all those strained relationships won't be mended. All those feelings will come back once I see those people.

Jesus heals. God fixes what mankind tears apart. God has done incredible things for me this summer. God has a funny way of taking me out of situations that are unhealthy for me. If I had stayed in Spokane this summer I think I would have sunk farther and farther away from God. I would have partied every weekend. I would have tried to hide pain with fun. I would have hated living and being at Whitworth.

Being at Palomar has helped me heal. It's given me a lot of time to figure out how to act healthy and talk about my life with people (which I'm never great at doing). And it's made me excited to go back and see my friends.

Re-reading some of my New York journals I think I did have this clarity of how I wanted to change my life and I was determined to heal. And then somewhere along the way during February I just kind of stopped trying. I just lived life based on emotion and trying to get through the school year. I need to get that clarity back.

The first month of being here I've thought about Christianity almost everyday for hours. Whenever I get into an environment that is saturated with one view point I have trouble agreeing with it. That's what happened when I got here. No one seemed to have any doubts. No one questioned that God is real, that Christianity is the truth, or that the Bible is true. There's just so much to work through for me. The second time we went to Oceanside beach I determined that I know God is real. This was a huge step for me. The second time we went down the mountain to church I decided to verbally/spiritually recommit my life to Jesus. I know that I need saving and I can't save myself, but Jesus did it for me. I can only accept that and accept Him forever. That's the starting point.

There's still so much about the Christian faith, religion in general, and how to live that I need to work through, but I have this joy. This joy that only Jesus brings. And I'm ready for whatever happens next.