To Keep Finding the Moon When It's Lost

This is also from my high school journal. May 15, 2014. The very last entry. It's also kind of hilarious - In some ways I feel like I lived up to the expectations of "future me" that my high school self had. And in other ways I let a lot of those crazy dreams fall away.

"I have dreams of falling in love.

Of being a beautiful poet.

Of living life on the edge.

I want that infinite feeling of infiniteness.

I want life to be a whirlwind of adventures.

Before I'm old and veining and spotted,

and worn down and losing my figure, losing my sanity, losing my hair,

I want a chance to be this young bright brilliant burst of a flame.

I want to bask in my own magnificence

and yet stand with my arms outstretched

Standing on tip-toe absorbing a world --of color and craziness.

I want to lose control.

To find myself where I lose myself.

To live in the glory of lust and memories and bits of connection.

I am a foamy piece of antimatter

I float through space not really holding grasp of anything for too long

Before it slips right through me.

I can't wait for my future to start

but I also want it to never get here.

I want to clutch a hold of my youth so tightly I suffocate it.

I want to live in each day like a candle burned all the way down.

I want my feet to stay planted and I want my soul to see the world.

Let's go off and make the most of our fleeting selves.

Let's anchor ourselves to a ship that never stops sailing.

Let's be bombs - bursting with emotion and vivid with passion.

I want to exceed ephemeral

I want to only remember the good and forget all the awkward mistakes and missteps.

I want to forget myself so often because I've found someone worth more than me.

I want to keep all my habits.

Shake off all my carless laziness and replace it with a gusto to go after what I want most.

I want to dream every night

To smile everyday

To keep finding the moon when it's lost.

I want to live in the past

Even if time travel isn't possible

To visit each decade

To cherish each moment.

I want my future to find me.

I want to stay small, yet be expansive, just stretching out across the globe, one molecule at a time.

There are so many things I'm unsure of.

I know I don't want to become mundane,

to lose myself in boringness.

I always want to be more than I think I can be.

I know I want to finish this journal,

just to start another one.

To begin again.

To begin to be me, one chapter at a time."